I’ve been one to be in church and not really be “in church.” My family says they’re Christians, regardless of my judgments on their actions; so I’ve taken on the same role as them- a Christian by association I guess you would say. How else would I survive living in the same house? A party girl strung out on alcohol and sex just doesn’t do much for the Christian family picture. Besides, doing stuff in the church and meeting people can be fun too. People don’t really pay attention to the college kids or high school kids unless we’re showing off some achievement or presentation. When they see us, they ask us the same questions everytime:
"How ya doing? How's school going? Where you at again? Oh yeah... that's right."
Therefore, it’s like a common and secret rule: what we do in public matters (basically in front of or around church people), so what we do in private on our own is just that- private. So, by church, I’m what they need me to be; by any other day, I’m what I need or, at the moment, want to be. But somewhere, in the back of my head, I’m uncomfortable because I feel like there’s a truth that no one is telling me. How could all of this doctrine be so complicated unless there was an underlying Truth that is being misunderstood? Regardless, the truth now is that I never imagined I’d be in a place where my family expectations, self achievements and questions would explode, creating a collage I still can’t figure out how to interpret.
Hanging out with one of my girls after a show one night, some guy friends from campus approached us and invited us for a drink and pizza. A little hit of something here and there is okay to me; besides, I have only one relative in my family who is the known alcoholic. I’m content with getting a little tipsy without completely losing it. I can’t see myself being COMPLETELY out of control. However, this time, all hell broke loose; my so-called "I-have-it-all-under-control" car steered completely off a moment's road. The only thing I can remember is being on a bed and pushing one of the guys off my neck. There was an absence of time and feeling. A lack of strength. What felt like a day later, I woke up in a room, my panties and jeans off, blood on the sheets and a soreness and excruciating pain running through my inner being like never before… my head blown. My girl lay a foot or so from me in the same disposition. The pieces started to come together for us slowly… we got got.
We got date raped.
“Oh my gosh, no, no NO!!!!” Those are the only words I could seem to mumble as tears ran down my face, my body rushing to recover my physical belongings while my spiritual couldn’t even be traced. Rushing out, running to campus and then collapsing in our dorm room, my friend and I were… unknowing, frantic, scared for life, fearful, ashamed, dumbfounded… in a nightmare that we couldn’t wake up from. How could this happen? How could they do this to us? Why did we go? Why were we so freakin STUPID??? We cried without communication, knowing what each other was feeling and screaming on the inside and out in mumbled words. With my heavy involvement with church and her entire family being leaders in ministry, an indescribable and heavy pain enveloped. Our anesthesia of choice consisted of a long shower with tears and wrinkled skin wanting to be released from the over abundance of water on our still-standing bodies. We needed more to knock off the pain, so we deceived ourselves and slept for hours and hours to awaken with silence for almost a day towards each other, agreeing in silence to never talk of what happened to anyone. Shame on us… more than them.
Days and weeks pass by when I began to get sick. Dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, and fever. One day to five days. “I can’t take this; I can’t miss anymore classes. I gotta get checked out.” A visit to the campus infirmary and the uncomfortable question of, “Are you sexually-active?” leads to a pregnancy test.
“WHAT?! I can’t be. I know I’m not. Nah. I’m just going to take the test cuz I know I can’t be… right?”
My thoughts flew back to that night, and my heart begins to race like a horse trapped in a dark cage, unknowing of the darkness enveloping him.
“Oh God… I can’t be pregnant!! My parents would KILL ME. Be embarrassed and ashamed of me. I can’t drop out of school!! I’m on a four-year scholarship plan!! God, PLEASE!?!?! I can’t walk around campus pregnant!! I can’t provide for a baby on my own?!? I didn’t ASK to be drugged and have my gift stolen from me! I can’t go home pregnant!! My parents… the church… the family. NO!!!”
My borrowed faith caused, I believe, God not to hear or answer my prayer. If He did, I wouldn’t be sitting in front of this clinic sharing my story with you, waiting for a doctor on the inside to reverse what the nurse told me a month ago:
“Ma’am, your pregnancy test came back positive.”
Here I am… in a place I never dreamed to be. I’m a so-called believer, and I need an abortion.
*****
Pieces of this story come from an experience I had in college; other pieces of it come from the stories of other females I’ve come in contact with. So, in essence, this is a real situation… a real scenario… a real problem many young ladies need an answer to.
Many females have dealt or are dealing with high/low expectations of who they are, religious fabrications of hypocrisy or the lack of any Godly relationship that, unfortunately, led them to experience the above story. What do you tell someone who has a false sense of who God is and what a real relationship with Him is like while they are dealing with an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy? How do you guide a young woman to the Healer of their heart, the Redeemer of their soul, the Peace of their mind, the Provider of their situation, the Friend who will never leave or forsake them. Most importantly, the Unconditional Lover of who they are completely? After she has shared this- her story- with you… what do you, as a chosen one, say to the broken and fearful daughter before you?
Simple: by being honest and telling her the Truth.
In my comments, tell her… those women… the Truth. Please. You never know who could read your words and be pushed towards God and destiny at this very moment.
9 comments:
I can totally relate to this piece. As a young woman, my parents, my family, my church, and my community all had high expectations of me. And yet I enthralled myself with living a double life. I was good at it. No one knew the real truth about me except for me and God, and my truth was skewed. I was sexually promiscuous, scarred by childhood molestation, always fearful of being pregnant, and in college ended up just that... and had an abortion in fear. My girlfriends went with me, but the boyfriend I truly thought I loved so dearly really didn't care. What many don't realize is that for years after you make the decision to have abortion, you still deal with the emotional and spiritual consequences. It's amazing how something that starts out so innocently -- those in-love feelings, or that one joint, or that one drink -- can turn viral and cancerous.
Find out who GOD says you are -- a channel of Christ's life, His special treasure, a light, an heir! I wish I knew then what I know now...
The enemy uses deception in an attempt to separate us from God. To be more specific, and to make it personal, he'll have you believing you're the only one feeling that way. You feel like no one "gets" you. You mess up and think you're too far gone to be saved, even though intellectually you know that scripture says the opposite.
Put on the full armor of God to take your stand against the devil's schemes! It doesn't have to be this way, and you're not alone, because He is always with you.
Ten seconds. That is all it takes. I am led to this thought after watching a powerful movie "Saving God." The issue arises when you feel like you have been dropped by this so called God. You begin to think how this did happen to me. Why did this happen to me. It is a hard choice to make but I would truly minister to this young lady about to the power of Life. When it seems that your life has ended and how can I raise a child by a man that rapped me. I did not ask for this. I did not volunteer for this. I would share with her that this is an opportunity to meet God. Sometimes the things that God ask us to do seem crazy, it may seem impossible, it may seem stupid. But I would assure her that you will see the hand of God. And what the enemy tries to do is cause you to see the negative of it all. Have I ever been in this situation? NO! But I have a sister that was rapped and was told to abort. The thing is that pain of being rapped seemed little compared to the fear and the nightmares of a child killed by her hands walked with her for the rest of her life. It's like before I was a pro-choice. I believed that it's easy to say I’m saved and I do not believe in abortion. But I felt like if I was rapped I would not be able to carry that child. But now in the view of it all and watching my sister say "my child would be 13 this year" or "wow I would be getting ready for my child to go prom this year". That was something that she is still carrying today. I am a single parent no not because of a rap but a mental rapping took place. I read the comment above and I said the same way that this female was raped in the natural I was raped in my mind. I was led to believe that a man loved me, cared for me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He took my emotions and then stepped all over them. I was in my second year of college. I thought I had it all together. I thought I had it all under control. But a pregnancy test proved different. Life Care Ministries in Raleigh is where my mentor took me. It was confirmed that I was pregnant and at that time I was thinking about an abortion because why should have to raise a child on my own by a man that does not love me. I did not ask for this. This is not fair to me. Why should I have to look at child by someone for the rest of my life and they go on in life and pursue their dreams. What man is going to want me and a baby? I was encouraged by everyone around me to make the "right" choice. Have the abortion. But then I realized they get to make the suggestion but they do not live with the nightmares. They do not live with “what if”. I was not saved- but I felt I was a Christian in need of an abortion. But I took a high road. I picked life. Although I knew it would be hard I knew that this is temporary but “what ifs” would haunt me forever! Read Is 46- He knew the end before the beginning- He purposed that life and that is why it is your womb.
With Love GUTS
I would tell her there is always another way to go. And that what she is about to do will have great impact on her life physically, emotionally and spiritually. And that nothing that she's done, not done, thought, said or was an unwilling participant in is beyond the Grace of God and His Love to heal and be set free from and made whole. I would tell her to stop listening to the enemies lies that he is feeding her mind that she is unloved, will be an outcast, she's to blame and that her parents, friends, relationships, church will be greatly disappointed in her and no longer love or accept her. The enemy is a master of deception when we are at our weakest point which is why we need those around us that truly have the heart and mind of Christ, Love with the Heart of Christ and won't judge or condemn us but will help us to make the right choice, pray for us and help us along the path to doing the right thing. The problem is twofold however: First, most women in such situations don't know who to go to and will often go to those that will be in agreement with what they want to do, and second, most are unwilling to open up about what they are dealing with to those who can help because of the shame they feel or because of what they are contemplating doing. This is another trick of the enemy. He knows if we open up and speak truthfully about what we are dealing with to those we are accountable to spiritually in our lives the Light of the Father will always come in. So what does he do, he keeps us silent so that that the light of truth will not be able to come in. For those of us that have been at that crossroad we need to be able to share with another woman in that situation and say I was at that crossroad before too so I know what you are going through. I didn't make the right choice but I want to help someone else make the right choice. It will ultimately come down to a matter of their will and the choice they make individually. It comes down to a matter of ours hearts and choosing to go the way we know is right according to His word or choosing our own way because it seems right at that time. His Spirit in us is there to lead us into all truth. However, He will not override our will. The choice, like salvation, is ultimately ours to make and unfortunately we don't often make the right choice. But thank God for the Cross and His Grace that is sufficient in every circumstance that covers over a multitude of sins, heals our wounds and infirmities, binds up our broken hearts and sets us free from bondage to anything from our past. Nailed to the Cross and under the blood of Jesus Christ we are victorious and more than conquerors. There is nothing..no present or past situation too hard for Him to Heal, Mend and make us Whole.
I've never been in a situation like this, and cannot begin to imagine how you must feel! I have, however, pondered what I would do, if I found myself in this particular situation! Although it is not the same, I just want you to know that the Devil is a liar, and that he will do whatever he feels necessary to try and seperate you from God. But whatever choice you make, just know that God loves you and that there is NOTHING that you can do to seperate yourself from His love.. Romans 8:38-39... I AM PRAYING FOR YOU!! God BLess You!
In a situation like this one, u will really have to call on the name of the lord and really ask God to show up right now to speak though u, b/c at that particular time u don't matter at all, and u are dealing with a person whos in a state of confusion, hurt, feeling rejected, etc and at a desperate move of God to show up. For a minute or two weeping with that person, and telling that particular person while u weeping or in a state of interceding letting them now u have to trust iin the lord.
Man my heart really goes out for females who get stuck in situation like this
Honestly, I’ve never been in a situation like that. Honestly, I have no idea what it feels like or can even begin to imagine. My heart goes out to you. One of my good friends who is very dear to me was raped a little less than a year ago. A couple months ago, somehow we ended up having a conversation that came up on the subject of abortion. I was telling her that even as a Christian, I didn’t know whether or not to be pro-life or pro-choice. After I got through explaining my reasoning (i.e. ectopic pregnancy, a young girl/pre-teen who was raped, the baby’s skull is not fully formed, etc), she explained to me that if she did get pregnant from being raped, she wouldn’t have gotten an abortion. She said it could have been a way of God making good come out of that situation. So to the young lady who is at that crossroad, your child is a gift. I say, don’t let your child suffer because of his father’s sins. Besides, isn’t that why Christ died? So we all can have a chance at life…
I do not know what has been said and will not read them until I give what God has placed in me. As I look at your life and current situation I don't pretend to know the eelings. I do know what its like to have a hand-me-down relationship with our heavenly Father. Going to church and claiming to know God because thats what parents say is best. But the love of God knew it and wanted a true relationship with me. While in college he began to call my name but I couldn't not hear because of the females, clubs, alcohol, etc. The love of God is the most powerful love of all and he holds nothing back to get us to experience it. He knew the only way I would respond is if there was no where else to turn, so he took what I held highest in life. A human relationship. The pain is difficult to describe but it was at that moment that I could only find comfort in God (the one I barely knew).
I share that to say God's greatest desire is to love us and for us to experience that love. He'll go to great lengths to accomplish this. Those moments when you felt something was off in this Christianity "thing" was God calling you to come to him, to experience his love and a true relationship but for whatever reason you didn't respond. Because God loves you sooo much and is desperate for you to know that love he had to get your attention. (By no means am I saying God did this to you but nothing happens without God's permission) His word says that he is able to work all things together for our good if we love him. He wants you!!! Right now the only comfort you will find is in the arms of our Savior Jesus Christ. Run to him and allow him to love you back to life. There are two lives inside of you that you must not abort, that child and the real you. Both have a purpose preordained by God. God loves you and so do I.
This young woman was me as an 18 year old college freshman. Although I was not date raped I had entered into a rebound relationship after the break up of my "first love" of 4 years (14-18). Some would call it puppy love but it was all I knew. As an act of rebellion to my pastor parents I dated this guy. The strangest thing is that I got pregnant without completely having sex. How could this be you might ask....the guy was extemely excited and I was extremely furtile and we were extremely to close in our nudity! So needless to say I missed my monthly and 8 weeks later found myself in a clinic filled with metal instruments and the stinch of cleaning fluids.
I remember like yesterday what I wore, how I lost an earring, and how flippedly the nurse asked if I'd like to see the "baby" on the screen...... I rejected the notion and turned my head the other way as tears ran down my face and endured the pressurized procedure.
It was over...I was then escorted to a open room filled with other women who had done the same thing...Can you imagine all the young lives we stopped that day...still I didn't see it that way back then. Back then I saw it as just not a baby until 25 weeks, I saw dealing with this crazy guy that I'd barely met for ever too much to bare. I heard my father's words of "Don't ever come back to my house if you get pregnant" ringing in my hears. I imagined all the shame of being striped of my crown and the humiliation from the church, community soccer team, and family.
Looking back on that day, I would have certainly made a different decision if I knew the 5 years of torment and emotional hell I would have to endure. I couldn't look at baby movies, hold newborns, told myself frequently I would never be able to have other children, and oh yeah passing bumper stickers that said....choose life made it worse....
But One day God delivered me at an all night prayer service I got down on my knees and prayed "God when I get up from here please let me leave this guilt and shame behind." He was faithful and heard me. I have been free every since.
Several years had passed and I found myself saying Lord grant me the opportunity to help some other young woman be set free and restored to you. He gave me the opportunity before I was really ready by making me confess openly as I preached an outdoor revival in my father's absence....the whole church, community, my husband, and my in-laws were there. I thought for sure they'd disown me....but God was faithful again....they loved me all the more and many people were saved, women came forward and were set free.
Fast forward to 2009, God did bless me and redeemed the time. I have been married to a mighty man of God for 12 years now and to have two beautiful little girls.
It's been 18 years and I saw the Freshman class of 2009 come to campus and realized that my child would have been joining them. I find that God allows my past to be a blessing to many young college women that I'm blessed to work with. In the past 8 years I've helped many young women get over the pain and even make different decisions to choose life. In fact, I praise God that this week I've been blessed to help one of my friends choose life for an unexpected pregnancy.
What I've learned is that although I was active in the church, but was living a double life which caught up with me through the pregnancy; God in his merciful and faithful and loving way has forgiven me, set me back in right relationship with him and granted me a testimony to help bring healing the nations! I'm just grateful I'm the vessel he's using! Thanks for your Mercy oh God! Thanks Esther for Sharing!
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